We wrote recently about the power and perils of abusive relationships, and how women, men, even the children and grandchildren of high-net-worth individuals often are emotionally abused and browbeaten as a means of facilitating the abuser’s intentions.

This is also common in the workplace where an over-zealous employer or boss psychologically manhandles subordinates in a form of control. In family situations, however, it can be especially problematic. It often arises when one spouse mentally influences the other to seek their backing of some financial, legal or other significant demand.

As we explored in a previous article, it often is apparent to outsiders, even if the spouse or family has become numb to or unaware of the abuse. Whilst friends and family might try to stand up for the abused, even advocate on her behalf, sometimes their answer is to walk away.

I have found myself in several situations where the family has been hamstruck and powerless to change the situation. In such moments, the family has to make a hard call. I can recall numerous occasions, where adult siblings were at odds on how to approach a parent’s failing mental health.

In one situation, a son was intimidating his siblings with thoughts of encouraging the death of their parent with Alzheimer’s disease. Whilst no direct, actionable threats were made against the parent that would demand calling the police, I encouraged the other family members to pursue legal guardianship to better protect the parent from that son. The main hesitation with guardianship is that the entire case becomes public record.

In another situation, children were actively stealing from their parent, coercing her into shifting their holdings – that is, those holdings they didn’t have direct access to.

More recently, I dealt with the spouse of one adult child who was demanding the direct heirs change the parent’s will and estate plans. They also wanted the parent deemed incompetent and placed into guardianship. This would open the estate to the children – and especially the spouse, who was eager to gain access to and control the purse strings for his own personal gain.

Regardless how eccentric that parent may be in their lifestyle or spending, they were of no danger to themself or others and sufficiently lucid and in control of their faculties to be capable of handling their own affairs. That the parent was spending frivolously may be frustrating and they may be whittling away their estate, but that was of no business to their children.

On several occasions, the spouse had tried to demand the other sibling bend to the demands and agree with the charges of incompetency and change the estate plans.

It is in these moments that those hard calls must be made. While guardianship wasn’t an option, I counselled that the one sibling, after years of failed efforts to change their in-law’s behaviour, to make clear their intentions of non-involvement, and to step away. As with the other situations, I advised them to watch the situation closely for signs of abuse or other concerning behaviour and be ready to take their concerns to the courts.

The influence of spouses and in-laws cannot be overstated. After years, even decades of involvement, their influence on the spouse or family can be so entangled, that neutralising it may be next to impossible.

Walking away might seem the only reasonable action. However, can you – in good conscience – leave in peril the senior family member who is the target of these demands?

It might be advisable to get a second opinion from a third party, a respected family law attorney, or an advisor who can help counsel the family. I counselled another individual who, after years of endless control and abuse, finally divorced their spouse. Free from the control and derision, they were a new person.

As I’ve counselled before, if your family or a family you know could use an experienced hand in navigating your family’s future, let’s talk. You may not change the abuser, but you can change their control over you and your family.