We are at a compelling, confusing and potentially chilling crossroads in global society. From the kitchen table to the office desk to the corporate boardroom, our ability to communicate clearly and honestly with others has never been more important – or more challenged.
Think about the situations we face on a daily basis. You could be messaging with a family member or emailing a colleague. You could be reviewing terms of an agreement with a business partner or counsel or negotiating the finer points of a deal with a third party.
Then, insert the generation gap. You may be a baby boomer and they may be from a younger generation, such as a Gen Xer, Millennial or Gen Zer. And you – or they – may unwittingly write something that seemed crystal clear to you, but it offended them or put their back up.
Or maybe vice versa.
But was it truly offensive? Were they off base? Was there something lost in translation?
I saw this recently with a client in his 90s who made what he clearly thought was an innocent remark, one that was a product of his upbringing. His daughter was horrified.
He might have unknowingly offended her sensibilities, but was he wrong? Did he care? And most importantly is he too old to change?
The free flow of conversation, especially in written form, and most notably in short verse like texts, Slacks, emails or Tweets, open a Pandora’s box of potential pitfalls. We’ve all written something that unintentionally offended the recipient, even after our having re-read it numerous times before sending. In our mind it was benign. Then we received a response which reflected contempt, confusion, offense or anger.
Our immediate reaction is, “How on earth did they misunderstand my message?”
The truth is – and this may be hard for some to accept – communication and messaging should leave open the possibility that we were wrong or overstepped a line or offended someone else’s sensitivity.
This is especially the case with negotiations. I come with “my set of facts,” and you come with yours. That is how debates – from grade school to oral arguments before the U.S. Supreme Court – work. It could be a discussion about climate change or the family’s investment principles. We’re both there to present what we believe to be right, as is the other side.
This is where disagreements emerge. Yet, it’s how we handle them that separates conversation from heated arguments.
There is no doubt in my mind that this was evidenced in conversations found in some households around the Thanksgiving table, especially between those who voted Right and those who voted Left.
The question arises: Were we open to hearing the other’s position? Or were our minds already made up?
This is more prevalent when those generational gaps come into play. The beliefs or intentions of the older and younger generations often are not aligned. This doesn’t have to be parents and adult children; it could be grandparents speaking with adult grandchildren involved in important matters, like the family business or their place as heirs.
The truth is, we don’t have to agree. I’m not always right, but neither are you. If we try to remain open-minded, there are high chances that we will learn from one another. This is how many family disputes can be avoided. We all make mistakes, whether of commission or omission, and we must be willing to accept that possibility, or rather, that reality.
If you’re the elder or the offspring, you must entertain the notion that your child or parent holds a well thought-through point of view – with all associated wisdom or faults included. If you’re a coworker or subordinate or manager, you must willingly take into account the instilled knowledge and ethos the other brings to the table.
Whether at the kitchen table, the office desk or the corporate boardroom, you must be willing to hear all points of view, regardless of whether you agree or disagree, and break bread with civility.
If you could use a few pointers or an arbitrator for one of those hard conversations, let’s talk – before conversations get heated.
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